Satire

New Research Paper Uses Simple “Hands-On” Language

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    The paper, “A New Protein-Thingy in the Pink Squishy Stuff Inside Your Head”, offers a user-friendly version of a recent university research paper. The neuroscience paper does not include the words “brain,” “neuron,” “cell,” “human,” or “body.”

    For example, the authors initially stated, “a gene gun was used to create transgenic mice expressing mutant copies of Tryptophan Hydroxylase”.  In a later edition of the paper, the authors rephrased the above statement as “pew pew pew shoot the evil genes pew pew pew.” One esteemed scholar, Ulysses Rumsfeld, had especially harsh words for the team’s immunohistochemistry, noting that they “didn’t mention a single scientific method, but rather ‘pouring paint on the squishy stuff.’”  In response to this, message board commenter RagingJoe47 contends that “Ulyses DUMBSFELD needs to stop judging other people acting like HE has experience?? well let me ask you how many times have YOU poured paint on squishy stuff?? complete MORON!”.

    As of yet, the paper has received zero citations in peer reviewed journals,  but 5257 citations on Twitter. When asked why they accepted the paper with minor revisions, the three peer reviewers explained in their official statement, “Lol, it’s better than most of the boring stuff that we read XD XD”.

    Although scholars have called the paper a “major setback for scientific research”, Google analytics shows otherwise. Since publication, searches for “science”, “how to science”, “where to sign up for scientist,” and “can do science no middle school diploma?” have shown a massive surge in popularity.

    Though ostracized from the scientific community, the authors have already received several awards from blogs and meme accounts. With these endowments, they hope to continue researching Anterior Cingulate Gyrus activity to determine why certain gorilla images elicit much stronger emotional reactions than others.

    The authors’ university has since banned the team from continuing research on university grounds. In response to this, the lead author has set up a replacement lab in the Cincinnati Zoo.



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