Today we turn to an unforeseen tragedy that has recently transpired in this locality. Fred Smith, local student attending university, has reportedly misheard his professor for the entire first semester of his “Principles of Neuroanatomy” course. Sources confirm that the student believed, for all 18 weeks of the semester, that the professor was lecturing about “Brian” and the “Serena Court Test”. Those close to Smith explain that when his class reached the limbic system, he was remarkably confused about hippopotami and the single hit gyrus.
In a special visitation to the local hospital, he was especially perplexed. A middle-aged, serious looking woman in a white lab coat spent several hours talking about some kind of animal- copier. Apparently the hospital had spent millions of dollars of college tuition money on machines used to fax various PETs, primarily CATs for some reason. Being a dog person, Fred was justifiably offended.
Smith’s problems culminated with a fortuitous encounter between Smith and local hearing specialist Mark Johnson. Earlier this year, Johnson was at a local coffee shop ordering a coffee when Smith inadvertently bumped into Johnson and spilled Johnson’s coffee all over his generic t-shirt. Smith was profusely apologetic, and, after offering to buy Johnson another coffee, began having some dumb conversation about sports teams or whatever. Soon enough, one thing led to another, and Smith began telling Johnson about his hearing issues. Johnson took him back to his office and took a closer look; in Johnson’s scholarly opinion, Smith’s ears were “pretty jacked up.”
Mr. Smith’s future is, however, looking bright. Following a detailed CAT scan, during which lab technicians were forced to restrain him with large quantities of duct tape following his repeated angry desires for a DOG scan, whatever that is, Dr. Johnson discovered that Fred was suffering from an abnormally large buildup of earwax due to poor personal hygiene. At press time, Johnson stated that Smith will be undergoing highly invasive surgery next thursday as his cranium is entirely removed in order to retrieve the wax, which will be sold at auction to the highest bidder.
This author has not yet uploaded a bio.