According to a recent paper, scientists have discovered that the human vestibular system has not adapted to balance academics, social life, and sleep. After reading last year’s revolutionary study which revealed that the vestibular system does NOT balance one’s checkbook, the research team responsible embarked on a quest to determine what else, exactly, the vestibular system does not do for humanity.
“We discovered the inability of the vestibular system to balance the United States budget and formulas for chemical reactions. Furthermore, we found no evidence of its role in teenage neurodevelopment or getting into Stanford University, to the dismay of literally everyone on College Confidential.”
“Well, this is kind of expected,” the research team replied to disgruntled high school students. “Unlike some of you, the vestibular system is not evolved to manage a schedule 29.4 times its size.”
“What are you looking at me for?” the semicircular canal asked in response to these scathing criticisms. “The frontal lobe was the one who decided to take 8 APs, run five clubs, and play a varsity sport in the same year. Also, it’s the stupid pituitary gland that keeps secreting melatonin. If we didn’t have that around, humans could stay up all night.” In an interesting twist, the semicircular canal concluded by noting that “I’m not even sentient. You’re just anthropomorphizing me to externalize your own thoughts.”
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