Satire

A Teacher’s Standardized Testing Guide: How to Ruin Curiosity in 3 Easy Steps

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As eager students return to their classrooms this September, it seems apt to provide a refresher course in effective, scientifically proven methods how to inspire students to ace needless exams and quell any and all curiosity they may possess. In a realm of what radical educators consider “modern education”, the field has seen many transgressions from the customary path our education forefathers laid for us. For example, there have been several reports of teachers attempting to encourage students to take up “independent study projects.” These perpetrators of educational ignominy have clearly violated the essential component of the education system: controlled, supervised mindless rote memorization. Although these individuals haven’t been charged with the corruption of youth, it is important more than ever, to reinforce the fundamentals of educating the youth.

  1. There’s No Such Thing As “Too Many Tests.”

    1. Instead of instigating deep level critical thinking or nurturing analytical thinking in students, teach them how to suffer through hours upon hours of cramming information in hopes that they may be able to recall minute and irrelevant details during a high pressure exam period. It is the teacher’s job to prepare them for the real world; in truth, how many times will students be required to think for themselves in the modern workplace?

  2. Focus Only on the Subject Matter that Will Be on The Test

    1. Teachers can’t hear the question, “Will this be on the test?” enough as this is really the only question that students should focus on. Every now and then, an educational dissident will challenge the teacher by asking a related question to the subject matter, such as, “Why does this occur?” or “But, what if…” Although these are the precursory statements of insurrection, students’ radical questions can only be topped by an attempt for a student who attempts to connect the topic to a related topic found in the real world. Teachers, disregard this student’s curiosity and thirst to connect topics in order to create a cohesive understanding of the world, instead refocus the class back on what matters, the things that are going to be on the test

  3. Curiosity is a bane to innovation

    1. Mainstream media may portray curiosity as the fuel for innovation, but rather it is the antithesis. Curiosity serves merely as a distraction for students; curiosity leads to interest and interest leads to passion, and passion as we all know leads to a life of dull paperwork and not living the same life full of adventure that sticking to conventional educational paths provide. Innovation means maintaining the same mindset, technology, and perspective and curiosity would only ruin that.

 

In summation, the time is upon educators to strongly reassert the tenets of educating the future. As is common knowledge, “Curiosity is what killed the cat,” and in the modern world, teachers bear the onus of ensuring that curiosity NOT kill our cats or our students. The best, sure-shot way to guarantee the students safety, thus, is standardized testing.

 

Happy Testing!

 

 

***DISCLAIMER***: This article is intended purely as satire. As such, any resemblance to existing persons living or dead, events, or locations, is purely coincidental. Any references to well-known celebrities, locations, events, or corporate entities is intended purely as fiction, and all statements made in this article are intended to be interpreted as such; no statement made should be interpreted as fact. The YNCA Journal holds high standards of quality and respect. Thus, should any entity want us to change the names used in our article, the YNCA editing staff will promptly rectify this problem. The YNCA extends a sincere and heartfelt apology to anyone who may find this article offensive. The YNCA does not intend to give any medical advice, and no statement in this article should be interpreted as such.



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