Satire

How (Not) To Complete a Chemistry Lab

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Disclaimer: DO NOT FOLLOW THIS PROCEDURE. THIS IS ONLY MEANT TO BE A SATIRE ARTICLE, AND BY NO MEANS SHOULD ANYONE TRY THIS. IT IS DANGEROUS.

 

Today is the day you will conduct your first calorimetry lab! Calorimetry is the measurement of the heat of chemical reactions and heat capacity. How fun! This guide will explain exactly how you can be as successful in completing this lab!

 

1. First, gather your materials:

 

2. Alright next test the oreos. The goal is to minimize staleness. To ensure that this is controlled its best you try at least one of each of the oreo flavors. Or maybe ten if you really feel like it.

3. Crush the oreos and place them in some aluminium foil and mash them.

4. Leave the HCl in a beaker near the oreos.

5. Get a drink of water to clear your palette

↝ Note: Don’t drink the HCl

↝ Note: If you accidentally drink the HCl:

1. Drink sodium hydroxide to neutralize the hydrochloric acid
2. You will then become dehydrated because mixing HCl and sodium hydroxide creates salt
3. Get a drink of water because you're probably thirsty from all that salt

↝ Note: You can, and most certainly should, put the HCl away after this step

6. Next place just a few drops of acetone into the aluminium foil and place it in the styrofoam cup.

↝ Note: Acetone is HIGHLY HIGHLY flammable = fire = nociceptor neurons firing =  ouch

7. Get a lighter and light a wooden stick and place it into the acetone-drenched oreos

8. Let the flame burn out, while measuring the change in water temperature.

➢ If you accidentally drop too much acetone, burn it anyway.

Note: The styrofoam cup may become completely engulfed in flames

Note: Don’t worry, it's just fire?

Note: Don’t breathe in the burning plastic.

Note: Yes, styrofoam is plastic.

Note: I’m sure you could, but most likely won’t die.

Note: But just keep to the procedure, ok?

And then if you do that, you will have wasted lots of time, and due to the lack of consideration for the energy of the acetone and lack of controlling acetone, you will have gotten incorrect data, so next just cry and eat the oreos?

Or burn them all with the extra acetone.

Keep a safe distance from the fire, kids.

Don’t worry - I don’t speak from experience.



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