Satire

Researcher Uses Significance Level of 0.60, Shocks Scientific Community

IYNA Webmaster


    Madison F. Wilson, tenured researcher at the Smith Institute of Neuropharmacology and Ph.D in Statistics, is making waves in the scientific community. After completing her latest study on Caenorhabditis elegans feeding behavior, Wilson used a 0.60 level of significance instead of the 0.05 generally accepted by scientists. By doing so, she proved that nachos are, in fact, delicious to all animal species.

    One reputed scholar calls the move to alter the significance level “revolutionary”, representing one of the most “exciting advances in neuroscience research since the Golgi Stain.”

    Using Wilson’s novel system, researchers have found that proving hypotheses has become substantially easier, and an outpouring of statistically significant research has followed. For example, a separate research team has discovered that the incidence of Alzheimer's is directly correlated to per capita yogurt consumption in Wisconsin. By removing all yogurt from the state, researchers expect to see the incidence of Alzheimer's decrease to zero within five years.

    Many scholars have criticized Wilson’s methods, calling them “statistically illogical” or “outright stupid”. However, a new study from Wilson’s lab at the 0.60 significance level found that scholars generally support Wilson’s methods. One reason for this may be recent publications, with the following provocative titles:

    The Wilson lab is in desperate need of results to maintain its generous funding from major institutions; thus, this discovery came from a rich combination of necessity and innovation. A large-scale scandal emerged after members of the Wilson lab were found placing cyanide in drinks at their gala intended to celebrate Wilson’s discovery. Lab members defended themselves by claiming that “using our novel methods,” cyanide ingestion is proven to “extend the human lifespan by 15 years.” The researchers are currently being held on $500,000 bail; should this money be received, the researchers promise to use it to fund new studies into the relationship between croquet and major concussions.

 

Disclaimer: This article is intended purely as satire. As such, any resemblance to existing persons living or dead, events, or locations, is purely coincidental. Any references to well-known celebrities, locations, or corporate entities is intended purely as fiction, and all statement made in this article are intended to be interpreted as purely fiction; no statement made should be interpreted as fact. The YNCA Journal holds high standards of quality and respect. Thus, should any entity want us to change the names used in our article, the YNCA editing staff will promptly rectify this problem. Please contact YNCA.info@gmail.com with any queries regarding the aforementioned service. Furthermore, tobacco smoking is a dangerous habit that has been conclusively shown to increase risk of lung cancer.  Do not treat any statements made in this article as fact or medical advice.



    IYNA Webmaster

    IYNA Webmaster


    This author has not yet uploaded a bio.